One of the hardest conversations to have is the one about your relationship.
It’s not easy to be with someone long-term, especially if you’re encountering some kind of continued difficulty that doesn´t seem to get solved. Figuring out what to do next is key. Often, couples first encounter these issues in the relationship’s early stages. Sometimes, things can get better over time, with each person learning to adjust and improve. In other cases, things can get so bad that couples decide it might be time to end things. However, it can be hard to know exactly how to move forward.
The first step is to assess the situation. What are the specific reasons why you and your partner are struggling? Are there things that one of you is doing that’s causing problems? Is there a difference in expectations between you two? Once you have a better understanding of what’s going on, it will be easier for you to determine what needs to be done.
One common issue between couples is communication breakdown. When one person isn’t communicating effectively with their partner, it can lead to major problems down the line.
Another common issues we can find especially in a long-term relationship is respect and equality.
If one of you is consistently violating the other’s boundaries, that needs to stop. Respect is important in a healthy relationship, and each person has their own right to be respected. If one partner feels like they can’t trust or rely on the other, this will create serious tension and conflict.
Sometimes, the fight for respect and equality is the root of the problems. Many times, people assume it’s all an issue of trust. When couples reach a point in their relationship where one of them feels like their partner is disrespecting them, normally they will find it difficult to show respect in return. Marriage and partnership are about mutual trust and respect. When we see a lack of respect in any relationship, we’re often looking to the other person to fix it. However, respect is a three way street.
There are couples where one person always appears to be more active, while the other just follows. Or maybe one person was the one who took the lead, while the other seems more passive. Often, these dynamics feed each other. If one person becomes passive, this gives, or sometimes pushes the other person to have more responsibility, more power or more control in the relationship. This creates more conflict, which leads to more feeling disrespected, which induces further passivity, and so on. Finding a way to be assertive in these situations can be difficult, but not impossible. Read more about assertive communication here.
What this indicates is that if you want a healthier, more functional relationship, you have to establish respect and equality. This can sound intimidating, especially if you and your partner have different styles or different priorities. Many people start arguing, and it’s this pattern of arguing over time that can become dysfunctional. However, as long as you aim to establish equality and respect for yourself and your partner, as well as greater understanding and communication, your relationship is much more likely to survive. Of course, this has to be mutual because it requires 2 people for a relationship to function, but you can only control your own communication and behaviors.
Why equality and respect are so crucial to healthy relationships
Think of it this way: it’s about letting go of your need to control the outcome of a relationship. Love is not about control, but rather about presence. It’s about stepping into your partner’s shoes. In a relationship, it’s about creating space for your respective points of view.
If at any point in a relationship, one person feels disrespected or that they haven’t been able to have their point of view heard, it shuts down their trust in the relationship. This dynamic gives a feeling of being alone. When someone is alone, they immediately start to defend themselves in order to protect their vulnerability.
It is equally important to realize that when we come from a place of self-protection, we often feel more like a victim and less like an equal. This creates more friction between two people. Basically, when we feel that we’re not being listened to, we tend to not feel entitled to our own voice in the relationship. This begins the cycle all over again and it turns the asymmetry into a vicious cycle.
Two equal people can approach an issue from different perspectives and forge their own unique relationship. Each partner is free to act as they wish, yet they’re still connected with their partner as an equal. In this dynamic, each partner can express their own point of view, learn, grow, and respect their partner’s boundaries, but still remain connected to their partner.
Couples who share these relational goals develop equal communication, fairness, and mutual respect, which means that each person can feel free to express themselves, be heard and feel safe in their vulnerability. They have a sense of being understood and knowing that their partner not only accepts them but respects who they are and respects their boundaries.
Getting to an equal relationship
How do we develop these equal relationships? Well, first of all, you have to learn to listen to your partner and accept them. Listen to them on their level without judgment. Tune into what they’re saying, not just hearing the words, and try to understand their experience from where they’re coming from. Work to understand their viewpoint without blaming or shaming them. Focus just on sharing empathy without negative feedback.
- Listening:
Be genuinely present without criticizing, judging, or filtering. Be able to suspend your need to be right and accept your partner’s rightness, too.
- Sharing empathy:
Communicate your understanding, even if it might conflict with your own perspective. Go into your partner’s shoes, so that even if your experience and your partner’s are completely different, you still know what it’s like to experience their feelings. This will make you more able to understand why your partner has a particular point of view and hear what their concerns might be. When your partner shares something with you, try to listen attentively, without fixing.
- Boundaries:
Respect your partner’s boundaries, but also let them know when they’ve crossed a line. Acknowledge their feelings without taking responsibility for them. Whenever you feel disrespected, tell your partner so they can know about it. This builds trust and reduces the chances of conflict arising.
- Common ground:
Find commonalities to build upon. In any type of conflict, there are many aspects at play that are simply in the nature of our relationships. These can include our personalities, our upbringing, our parents, the way we were raised, the way we were raised in relationship to our peers, and so on. The key is to focus on the aspects that are important for your relationship.
- Equal communication:
Speaking comes from a place of confidence. When a partner feels their perspective is being dismissed, it can lead to feelings of powerlessness. However, when you and your partner can speak to each other with equal confidence and respect, you both begin to feel more confident in one another. This creates less tension and more security, which can make arguing less threatening and lead to a more confident expression of yourself and your point of view.
- Learning to listen and respect:
We all need respect in our relationships. It’s just natural to want to be listened to and to feel as though what we have to say is heard and understood. Sometimes, though, we might need to remind ourselves to be more patient and take turns being heard. We have to practice being empathic to our partners, especially when we have difficulty listening to them, letting them know we hear them, and respecting their experience of a situation. We can reflect back what we hear from them and try to understand what they mean without passing judgement.
We can use these skills in order to move our long-term relationship toward an equal one, where mutual respect can be built. Additionally, talking about your concerns may allow the other person to open up about their feelings as well. If these conversations don’t result in a resolution, then it might help to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor who can guide you through the process of discovering the best solution for both of you. This can be either making the necessary changes to improve your relationship and create some new healthy habits or, if you decide so, ending it in an amicable manner.
